On Goals, Motivation & Change
Okay, we’ve given the ‘New Year, New You’ folks a minute to calm down.
Time to talk a little bit about Goals! Motivation! and Behaviour Change! (oh my)
(and also why you literally don’t need goals all the time, and should actually just chill every once in a while.)
You’ve probably heard that the vast majority of New Year’s Resolutions fail, so that’s not surprising. But I’ll share a little bit about why I think that is, how you can set better goals, and to introduce a fun counter-point (all about the complexity) a little bit about why you actually don’t always need to have goals you’re working on.
Why Goals Fail:
1. Not articulated clearly - getting super clear on what *exactly* is the goal - this is the #1 thing. Don’t eat out as much. Start going to the gym. Read more books. Etc. these might be great goals but they lack specificity, which means it’s super nebulous & can make you feel like you failed at the goal if you (for example) order take out one time, or watch TV instead of reading.
2. Goals are too big - don’t get me wrong, I love a lofty vision. But when goals are too big, it’s hard to see the progress over time and puts off celebrating milestones along the way. This could be a goal to earn a certain income this year, complete a course/training/degree, or just starting too big too soon. (Like if you are currently not exercising and set a goal to exercise 3x1hour a week, that’s probably too big.) Huge goals that are far from where you are or way in the future can wreak havoc on our self-efficacy and rely too much on motivation.
3. Require too much motivation - oh will power. You can make yourself do things. BUT needing a big push all the time is probably not sustainable. If you are relying only on motivation, when stressful things happen or your mood shifts. This runs counter to a lot of the popular rhetoric on motivation but I feel strongly about how our busy hectic lives need something different. I like to distinguish between a ‘little push’ and a ‘big push.’ When you’re starting something new, you may need a little push, but needing a big push alll the time is unlikely to work long-term.
4. Don’t address resistance to change - here’s the kicker, friends - we often have pretty intense resistance to change because we have reasons for the way that we are. We might not be aware of all of those forces within us that resist change but if you’ve been trying to change something, over and over, and it’s not working, you definitely have some resistance in your system. It’s ok, it’s normal, but failure to address the needs you have that run contrary to the goal you have in mind is going to use up a lot of energy and make you need the ‘big push’ which, as discussed, is not sustainable.
Tips for Goals that are more likely to be successful:
1. Get super clear - There are great frameworks to use like SMART goals (specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic, and time-oriented) or working with a friend or coach through a goal setting process. Clear goals can include check-points where you might connect with an accountability partner or someone who knows your big goal and will help you celebrate the wins on the way!
2. Little steps / Process goals - start where you are, create a step-wise structure that allows to celebrate along the way and build self-efficacy because you’re set up for success. Consider process goals, where the intention is to engage in something for time rather than a specific outcome (eg. read for 10 mins a day, rather than finish 36 books this year; or work on academic writing 25 mins each work day [this one’s one of mine])
3. Align with a bigger picture - my two favourite strategies for goals that stick are to pick things that you genuinely enjoy and/or are as aligned as possible with your deepest values and sense of self. Those types of goals require the least amount of willpower. Think about, you probably don’t have to motivate yourself nearly as much when it’s something you like to do or it’s aligned with your values. For example, it requires little motivation for me to read because it’s fun, especially if I get to chose the book based on interest, and it takes little motivation for me to brush my teeth because it’s aligned with my values of caring for myself.
4. Explore your defences against change - resistance is not the enemy, it’s another source of information that can deepen your self-awareness and help you figure out what you actually need to create change. Explore the fears that may come up when you contemplate change and the subtle ways we might resist change (some may call it self-sabotage but I prefer to think of it as self-protective strategies). This is especially useful if you’ve been working a goal for a long time, or many times but have a hard time getting it to *stick.*
Why you need a break from goals sometimes:
I love a good goal, AND ALSO sometimes we need something else. I have definitely, in the past, used goals as a way to distract myself and not deal with other things in my life (looking at you, marathons…) In some chapters of our lives (or areas of our lives) sometimes ease, acceptance, and self-compassion are better metrics. When we are always focused on goals, we can neglect being present in our lives.
Relentless self-improvement or discomfort with relaxing a little can be a sign that there’s something deeper going on as it related to worthiness, achievement, or ego.
Goals can be beautiful and wonderful, AND ALSO you’re beautiful and wonderful just as you are and it’s okay to release the striving and just drop into being sometimes.
All my love,
Martha
