Expanding our perspective of Self-care

And why the nature of the self-care relationship matters more than what you do

Self-care has definitely been in the public zeitgeist the past few years as we’ve been globally navigating through so many unprecedented events. While, overall, this is a positive shift to be talking and thinking about this, there have definitely been a couple of errors in judgement in how this is brought up. The first being slapping “#selfcare!” on systemic issues without looking at some of the deeper roots of why we need self-care more than ever (looking at you corporations who do a mental health webinar in response to employees asking for fair wages, reasonable work loads, and accommodation for the increased demands of life in a pandemic..) The second being a commodification of self-care as yet another consumable good we must aspire to, spend money on, and perform. Gross.

When we think of self-care, most of us think of basic physical needs like eating well, being active, going to bed a little earlier, the occasional bubble bath, and maybe things like meditation or therapy. What I want to share today is a more expansive view of self-care based on the Mindful Self-Care model developed by researcher Catherine Cook-Cottone*, as well as, a little nudge from me that perhaps it matters a little bit less what we do, and a little more how or why we do it – that the nature of our relationship to caring for ourselves, the energy we bring to it, matters a fair bit. That may seem a little paradoxical to say ‘here are more things you can think of as self-care’ and in the same breath say ‘maybe it doesn’t matter so much what you do as it does the energy you bring to it’ but hang with me because both can be true.

Six domains of self-care and some concrete things from each *

Mindful Relaxation

This domain includes choosing various activities and engaging the senses to support our relaxation. It can include using the mind (reading, writing), connecting socially, engaging in creative activities (singing, dancing, drawing, etc), listening to things (music, podcasts), looking at things (art, nature), and relaxing scents (candles, baking etc). The key is doing these things to relax (not pushing to produce something, learn, or get better.)

Physical Care

This is the one we tend to think of when we think of self-care – drinking water, eating nutritious foods, being physically active, and mindbody practices like yoga or martial arts. This is an area that I think it’s crucial to think about the nature of the relationship we have with these activities. For example, taken to extremes eating heathy or being active can be disordered. So the question is, are we doing these things because we are attuned to our bodies and genuinely want to care for it, or is it due to societal pressure to manipulate our bodies or a socially moralized expectation of ‘health’ behaviour (both of which are alienating us from our embodied experiences).   

Self-Compassion and Purpose

This part of the self-care puzzle includes practicing compassion for our own difficulties, allowing permission to feel our feelings, engaging is supportive self-talk, and experiencing a sense of meaning or purpose in personal or professional life. This may include formally or informally working on developing this with self-compassion practices, with a coach or therapist, or through personal development work exploring these themes in our lives.

Supportive relationships

This domain included being connected to the people who are supportive in our lives, planning to spend time with people who are special to us, feeling listened to, respected and supported by people in our lives. We likely know that having supportive people in our lives is good for our wellbeing, but perhaps we haven’t considered how cultivating positive relationships is a form of self-care not so that we can draw on others in our times of need but to create a culture of reciprocity in our relationships where support is mutually beneficial for all.

Supportive Structure

Maintaining a manageable schedule, an organized space, a comfortable environment, and a balance between what matters to others and what matters to us is what this domain of self-care is about. Depending on your situation, you may have more or less control over some of these parts, and some of us crave structure to different degrees so consider what this domain represents to you personally.

Mindful Awareness

Do you have an awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations and are you able to consciously chose how those experiences impact your behaviours? How attuned do you feel to these inner states? This can be cultivated through mindfulness practices, embodiment practices, and with support from additional resources, coaches, or therapists.

General questions for reflection

Do you feel that you engage in a variety of types of self-care? Plan self-care into your life? Explore new ways of engaging in self-care?

As we’ve gone through this more expansive view of self-care, it may be tempting to think of all the things we’re NOT doing or should be doing. I invite you to consider relaxing that a little and inviting in a sense of gentle curiosity, (and maybe even ease?) To consider that, fundamentally self-care is caring for ourselves – tuning into the soft creature we are who is sensitive to shifts in these domains. So rather than making a to-do list for our self-care and imposing an achievement or perfectionist lens, explore how these ideas sound when you can ‘drop in’ to your being a little bit. What areas to you gravitate towards? That sound yummy, or aligned, or true for you. Follow that, my friend.

I hope you found something here interesting, useful, or even just engaging for a little while

-Martha

Reference:

*Cook-Cottone, C. P., & Guyker, W. M. (2017). The Development and Validation of the Mindful Self-Care Scale (MSCS): an Assessment of Practices that Support Positive Embodiment. Mindfulness, 1-15.