When we think about self-compassion, a lot of the conversation has to do with handling tough times and dealing with struggle. And while many misconstrue self-compassion for self-indulgence or self-pity, it is in fact the foundation of authenticity, self-awareness, and personal growth. Self-compassion is about extending the kindness, nurturing and humanity we easily extend to those around us to ourselves as well. By fostering a gentler orientation towards ourselves we free up precious energy wasted on internal judgement, blame, and shame. This can be especially hard to practice in the heat of hard moments.

Resilience - Building a deep well to draw on in hard times

There are three ways to think of resilience using the metaphor of a tree, and they all have to do with the ways in which we weather the storms life throws our way.

The first tree is the strong oak tree, which stays strong and steady through the wind and rain.

The second is a willow tree, which bends and is tossed by the storm but bounces back quickly.

The third is a tree that gets knocked down or broken by the storm, but eventually grows back, in a different form than it began in.

The severity of the storms you encounter will no doubt shape the experience, but also the conditions in which your tree is living. Much of our external conditions may not be in our control but in our inner landscape we can start to build a deep well that we can draw on when times are challenging. There are many ways we can foster a deeper well, here are three of my favourites

1. Attune to your body

2. Attune to your mind

3. Orient toward meaning

Time to talk a little bit about Goals! Motivation! and Behaviour Change! (oh my) (and also why you literally don’t need goals all the time, and should actually just chill every once in a while.)

You’ve probably heard that the vast majority of New Year’s Resolutions fail, so that’s not surprising. But I’ll share a little bit about why I think that is, how you can set better goals, and to introduce a fun counter-point (all about the complexity) a little bit about why you actually don’t always need to have goals you’re working on.

Self-care has definitely been in the public zeitgeist the past few years as we’ve been globally navigating through so many unprecedented events. While, overall, this is a positive shift to be talking and thinking about this, there have definitely been a couple of errors in judgement in how this is brought up. The first being slapping “#selfcare!” on systemic issues without looking at some of the deeper roots of why we need self-care more than ever (looking at you corporations who do a mental health webinar in response to employees asking for fair wages, reasonable work loads, and accommodation for the increased demands of life in a pandemic..) The second being a commodification of self-care as yet another consumable good we must aspire to, spend money on, and perform. Gross.

When we think of self-care, most of us think of basic physical needs like eating well, being active, going to bed a little earlier, the occasional bubble bath, and maybe things like meditation or therapy. What I want to share today is a more expansive view of self-care based on the Mindful Self-Care model developed by researcher Catherine Cook-Cottone1, as well as, a little nudge from me that perhaps it matters a little bit less what we do, and a little more how or why we do it – that the nature of our relationship to caring for ourselves, the energy we bring to it, matters a fair bit. That may seem a little paradoxical to say ‘here are more things you can think of as self-care’ and in the same breath say ‘maybe it doesn’t matter so much what you do as it does the energy you bring to it’ but hang with me because both can be true.

It feels, restorative, expansive, inspiring, and calming to my whole being to be outside. In the words of a client of mine, ‘something about being in nature just right-sizes my problems.’ It’s one of my favourite ways to self-care these days - to take myself for a walk in nature. There’s an intuitive aspect of the value of time in nature that is far from new, and that is also backed by research supporting that time in nature is important for mental wellbeing. Getting outside is an evidence-based intervention, and yet many of us are both physically and psychologically disconnected from nature.

There’s this feeling, that if you feel compassion for yourself that it’s a permission slip to not take responsibility for yourself.

That if we’re self-compassionate, we’ll lose the drive to do better after past mistakes

That we won’t push ourselves to our ‘potential’ if we’re kinder

That if we allow ourselves to rest, we’ll never get going again

This begs the questions of what exactly self-compassion is and what it’s for.

If a child came to you and said, “I’m feeling sad today” I have a feeling your response wouldn’t be “ugh, get it together, you need to get to work!” You would likely welcome that little one into your arms for a big hug and offer kindness and reassurance.

And yet, when it comes to our own feelings, we often are in a pattern of responding to ourselves with the former. I get, I’ve done it, (and I still do when I’m not mindful).

A crucial part of self-development and emotional maturity, self-awareness is what allows us to connect with other people and ourselves more authentically, with greater complexity and nuance.

By being ourselves, we are already the experts – we know ourselves better than anyone else, so how do we get to know ourselves more?

Spiral learning is one way to picture how we deepen our self-awareness.

Positive psychology is the scientific study of wellbeing and optimal functioning – but what does that actually mean? Like for you, in your life?

Today, I’ll share one model of wellbeing and some reflection questions to explore what wellbeing means to you

How do we engage with gratitude in a way that isn’t invalidating the hard parts of life, or telling people to be happy in the face of huge structural inequalities?

Self-compassion is caring for and about yourself the way you would care for a dear friend. Positive behaviour change focuses on self-compassion as a key component of well-being and self-care.

Wanting to lose weight and look a certain way are big motivating factors when it comes to exercise, but there are strong arguments for moving away from those goals.