Is self-compassion just letting yourself off the hook?

There’s this feeling, that if you feel compassion for yourself that it’s a permission slip to not take responsibility for yourself.

That if we’re self-compassionate, we’ll lose the drive to do better after past mistakes

That we won’t push ourselves to our ‘potential’ if we’re kinder

That if we allow ourselves to rest, we’ll never get going again

This begs the questions of what exactly self-compassion is and what it’s for.

There are a number of definitions of self-compassion, some more operationalized than others, common themes are non-judgement, self-kindness, and not over-identifying with critical thoughts or difficult emotions.

I like thinking of self-compassion as being generous with our assumptions of ourselves, being mindful of value-labels we may use, and developing habits of self-nurturing.

Generosity of assumptions is the idea that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know and are capable of. ‘What they know,’ in this case, doesn’t quite mean knowledge-wise – it goes a little deeper to what we’ve learned and internalized both consciously and unconsciously. Turned towards ourselves it can be offering ourselves more grace for past coping mechanisms, or simply for not knowing then what we know now. For many, this can include a chapter of grief for the loss of how things may have been different. Processing the grief can make space for more self-compassion, and being able to see the past-self with kinder eyes. In the present, this can be working on accepting that whatever you do or do not get done, you are enough. Funnily enough, my feeling on this is that this past- and present-work (and maybe even future) sort of has to happen at the same time. It’s harder to see ourselves with less judgement in the present if we haven’t held our past-self in the same generous energy.

Being mindful of value-labels is a bit of the cognitive component. Noticing the thoughts and beliefs we have about self-kindness, rest, self-care etc. We all live in a context and absorb cultural messages are about husting, self-sacrifice, and rest. In our families, our communities, and the wider context of society, these messages abound. Often, we’ve absorbed these messages without even noticing they’re there. For example, when I started grad school, there was this belief that the experience would cost me in wellbeing. Long nights, early morning, less time with family, etc. and while some of that was true - it would take a significant amount of time - I was curious if there was something to unpack about that. Afterall a degree in the science of wellbeing that would cost immensely to my wellbeing didn’t quite jive. We all have beliefs (and likely some baggage) around work, effort, money, and these get tied up with our valuing of ourselves. Noticing and working with some of these beliefs can help reduce barriers to self-compassion.

Developing the habit of taking really really good care of ourselves – by actually caring about ourselves, not just #selfcare behaviours – is a critical component of self-compassion. It’s the embodied aspect of self-kindness. What can we do to provide care and nurturing to ourselves, just as we are? These can be in big and small ways – noticing and allowing ourselves to feel as we actually do, make ourselves a cup of tea, tucking ourselves in early with a good book, etc. Most of us didn’t learn how to do this because it wasn’t modelled – or worse, it was seen as antithetical to being a good person to care for your own wellbeing. Yet, self-caring is required for sustained wellbeing and both personal and professional growth.

Why self-compassion matters:

Self-compassion matters because if we want to exist in the world as authentic versions of ourselves and make deep connections with the people who are important to us, we need to get to know ourselves. Without self-compassion, self-reflection is almost impossible. Self-compassion work is a necessity for real self-awareness and authenticity. It’s also crucial in order to properly care for and connect with ourselves – which is needed to care for and connect with others. When I make myself a cup of tea, or allow myself a pause to rest, or admit I need support from others, I’m allowing myself to be human. Self-compassion is a permission slip to be a human being, to be learning, to be growing, to just be.